


Breathing For Fun

by anotherjadedwriter



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Beforus Ancestors, Other, Pale Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 04:31:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3433667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anotherjadedwriter/pseuds/anotherjadedwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing can quite hurt the way death does. Just knowing that you no longer actually exist tears at you. But then, you see him again, and you learn how wrong your sentiment is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You’re asleep when you die. It isn’t that surprising, you tend to sleep late, anymore. But the way you die, along with everyone else on the entire planet, and well in your entire universe, is strange. You mean, who knew that some wrigglers playing a game could end the world as you know it?

No, you’re asleep in your coon, comfortable and dozy, the dual lights of the two moons not yet pulling you from the relaxing slumber you’ve settled into.

In fact, when you wake up, it takes a fairly long time for you to realize that you’re dead. You go about the process of cleaning yourself, putting your Face back on, dressing, and walking through your hive to the amphitheater, and only when you sit and are not accosted by lower clowns clamoring for attention and tutalage do you realize: you’re alone.

You haven’t been alone, truly alone, in more than five hundred sweeps. Not since before you became the Highblood, before, even, you met any of your friends. Not since your lusus left you to your own devices as a wriggler. Alone-ness doesn’t suit you.

When you wander out, you see most of your flock, half of them breaking down and the other looking more free than you can really remember them looking. It’s strange. Their eyes are all white—every single troll you see has white eyes. Those who were awake when they died explain that the entire universe had been obliterated. It takes hearing that a few times (and walking for two hours only to find yourself in the same place as before with only a vague memory of it passing your mind) before you believe it.

You are dead.

The realization makes you sit down, there on the forest floor, and think. You’d been informed that you were dead before, when you were still very much alive and only about to fight someone, but now that it’s true, you don’t know what to do with yourself. Death is strange, you find that you can’t fathom how much time has passed, not in the least. It could have been ten minutes, it could have been a day, and you’ve only sat there under the canopy of trees you remember only just.

A twig snapping makes you jolt, stand with your teeth bared and your clubs at the ready. What you see makes you want to puke.

The troll is smaller than you, and smaller than most trolls would be at their age. They have a shock of messy black hair with curls twisting around little, nubby horns. They have violently red eyes that are welling up with softly red tears. They speak first.

"Gamzee?" His voice is so soft, so sweet, you haven’t heard it in eons but it’s exactly how you remember it, and he steps closer. "Gamzee, is that you?"

You drop your weapons and nod, fall to your knees because you don’t want to scare him off. “Karkat, I’m dead.”

"I know." He murmurs, walking closer, holding a hand out to you.

Your arms wrap around him tight, pull him into a hug against your chest and he sobs, clinging to you. “I missed you.” You gasp, rocking back onto your haunches and curling yourself around him. “Fuck, Karkat, Karkat, bro.”

He’s still sobbing, his little hands gripping the back of your vest and his face in your neck. “Oh god. I thought you forgot me, oh god, Gamzee, I love you so much.” Karkat’s voice is high, a little reedy, and you nod into his hair, smearing your Face against it.

"I love you too, Karkat, I never forgot you. Never.” You don’t mention that you tried, you tried so fucking hard to forget him and failed. “I’m not leavin you again.”

The small troll in your arms starts to calm after a while, and you just rock him in your arms, purring for him. By the time he’s finished with his tears, he’s asleep, still clutching you and jumping half-awake every time you move. Your poor, poor Karkat.

Settling against a tree, you let him rest, stroking his hair, his cheek, and think on it. How long has it been since Karkat was even alive, let alone since you saw him? You were thirteen when you started secluding yourself for your battle with the current highblood, and it was the cold season. He’d told you to bring a jacket.

About a week after you took the seat of the Highblood, you went hive, where Karkat was safely hidden away, and found it destroyed. You hoped beyond hope that he was still okay, somehow, that you hadn’t left him to his death after only just being able to admit that you adored him. The red everywhere made you realize that this was false hope.

They’d taken his head and left his body, presumably, where it was found: in your block. You’d taken him and buried him, shaking the whole time, and your friends had tried to comfort you; to reassure you that you hadn’t failed at all even though you knew it wasn’t true. Karkat depended on you and you left him alone for weeks, and he got killed because of it.

And now, you’re both dead. And he’s curled in your lap, his cheeks tear-stained and his hair more mussed than usual, and you feel okay about it. He’s okay. You’re okay. You’re both here, now, and that’s something for you to cling to.

You’ll take him hive, if he’ll still have you as his moirail, as useless as you were before. You hope he’ll have you.


	2. Heavy Breaths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's here. You have to hold onto that.

Karkat’s shyer, you realize, than he was before. But then, you might not be remembering it correctly, it was so long ago. You just know that you’re not acting the same either; you’re a little embarrassed that you’re acting so carefully with him, but you can’t help it. He’s always been so delicate, and you’ve only just got him back.

You can’t chance that he might leave you again.

Taking him hive had helped him, from what you could tell. He said it reminded him of before he was taken, but then he stopped talking. You told him to relax, and ended up with a lap full of redblood, almost like when you were with him before. He gets shaky if you ask him what happened before, so you don’t.

One night, he crawls into your coon and wakes you from a light sleep, hands on your face. “Gamzee, can I talk to you?” His voice is almost the same as when you’d get shaken awake in your hive by the sea.

"Course bro." You slur, tucking him up under your chin. "Keep me woke up though, lil out of it in this age I got to."

He nods, then falls silent for so long that you doze off again and jump when he starts to speak. Karkat doesn’t miss a beat, just paps your face a little and keeps speaking. “It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known they’d take me, and it isn’t like you could have brought me with you. Please stop acting like you were in on it and trying to punish yourself for me.”

You try to respond and he paps you almost too hard, shooshing you so harshly that you know not to try again until he’s done.

"Remember when I moved hive, for the first time?" He murmurs, nose against your throat, hand soothing against your shoulder. "And you thought I’d have trouble getting comfortable because it was by the water, and I couldn’t swim, so you tried to teach me, and that douchebag Ampora found us? That was your fault, because you couldn’t swim."

He’s right about that. “Yeah, but that’s got nothin’ to do with what I gone and did for you to get all killed off.” You’re pouting a little, but you think you’re hiding it.

"Stop pouting, I’m not angry. I never was angry with you, Gamzee." He sighs, pulling himself up to press a sweet little kiss to your lips. "You had to leave. I told you to, you didn’t do anything wrong. I died, but that was my own fault. I want you to stop acting like you were trying to get rid of me."

You feel yourself crying before you can stop it, and Karkat just holds you, shushing you as you stutter. “I’m so sorry. I’m so-sorry, Karkat, you shouldn’t have died. I was supposed to protect you, bro. I’m sorry.”

"I know." He whispers, kissing your cheek. "Keep going. Let it out, let me take care of you for once, you fucking disaster."

"I sh-should’ve stayed, ‘nd kept you safe. Karkat, I didn’t mean to leave you that long." You whimper, clinging to him. The sopor won’t lull you back to sleep at this rate, you’re going to be useless for days now. You always are when you think about him. "I didn’t mean to lose you. I can’t, you, Karkat.."

He’s got his whole self pressed to yours, all warm limbs and the kind of soft understanding only he could ever give you. “I know. I know you didn’t. But we’re here now, okay? You have to trust me, Gamzee.” His face is wet against your neck, he must be crying too, your poor Karkat. “Can you trust me? I won’t leave you again. I won’t leave you. I swear, I’m not going to lose you again.”

It’s all you can do to just nod, clinging to him so hard you’re worried he’s gonna bruise, but he’s gripping you just as hard, breathing deep and slow. You make sure to pat his back, kissing his hair and purring as soothingly as you can. It takes a while, but you both manage to calm down, and you rock him gently, getting him to doze off and relax against you before you let yourself fall alseep again.

Two hours later, you’re woken by him again. This time, though, he’s running, pushing at you and tossing his head back like he’s trying to use his horns to knock you away, and you grab his wrists to make him stop flailing, holding them above his head and calling his name.

"Karkat! Karbro, wake up, it’s just a dream." You let his arms down slowly as he seems to wake, making sure to meet his eyes. "You’re okay, Karkat. I got you, alright? What’d you see?"

He’s shivering. “Gamzee, I, you’re dead, I had, I watched you leave and they got you because of me.” He sobs again. “You’re dead, you’re fucking dead and I couldn’t even be there with you when it happened.”

You pull him closer and hold him tight, pin his arms to his sides (this would be so much easier if you had some rope, he calmed down so much faster that way) and use your other hand to work his horn, rubbing at the base. He yelps and sobs again, straining in your hold and saying that he’s not worth it, that he doesn’t deserve you or anything even close to you, his voice harsher than his words because he’s crying so hard. You’re too loud when you shoosh him, but you can’t really help it.

"That’s not true. Brother, Karkat." You kiss his forehead and he wails. "Karkat, you’re so fuckin worth it. I love you so much. You deserve to be happy, bro." He stays still enough to let you start kissing his face, gentle and a little bit shy because god, you’re not as good at this as he is. "You couldn’t have helped anything that happened. Weren’t your dream that got me killed. Some kinda fuckin game some wrigglers played fucked Beforus up. You got nothin to be guilty for."

He starts squirming but you’re firm, holding him still and dragging your clawtip up and down his horn as slow as you can manage. “Tell me you understand, bro. Tell me you deserve it.” You murmur, pressing your forehead against his.

"G-Gamzee, I, can’t." He whines, claws biting into your sides. "I can’t, I can’t, I need to move, please, I don’t deserve you, I—!"

Your voice is softer now that you’ve got control of him. “Shoosh. You can. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy. I love you.” Meeting his eyes makes your pusher ache, he’s got those big red tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I let you die, I, I let myself die and I didn’t take care of you.” He’s starting to go limp, his protests getting weaker and his voice getting smoother. “I didn’t take care of you. You had to go through so much because I wasn’t there. I let you get hurt, Gamzee, I’m sorry.”

Lips touching his hairline, you shush him again. “Ain’t nothin you coulda done.”

He wraps himself around you when you let him go and you return the favor, soothing him gently. “I love you, Gamzee. I love you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice is tired and rushed all at once. “I don’t deserve someone like you.”

"You deserve better." You sigh, petting his hair, and he just whimpers. You’ll have to let it sit until he’s awake, you guess. Gives you some time to prepare, though. "You deserve so much, Karkat. So much, bro."

Karkat sleeps soundly the rest of the day, and you watch him. How could he think it’s your fault? He was the one let down. Your poor moirail. He’s so small against you, you feel like you might break him if you touch him sometimes, he’ll just climb onto you to reach something and you’re just so hyper-aware of his delicateness in comparison to you.

You’re so aware of how you didn’t even see his body before he was disposed of, how you left when he was sleeping so he wouldn’t cry.

The letter you got telling you what had happened was the only thing you kept when you moved from one office to another, the only thing you held onto, because it had the only shred of him you could find. Your hive was destroyed by some lusii and you couldn’t make yourself dig through the rubble to try and find—what? His skull? some hair, a shirt? Nothing would have helped. Nothing ever helped, no matter how much everyone tried.

Honestly, you think you didn’t want it to. Karkat is real, though, as real as this not-dead life can be, and you’re going to make it better. Who knows how long you’ll have him this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have named this "random sad boyfriends moments"

**Author's Note:**

> I really dig Beforan ancestors  
> if you enjoyed this, consider tipping me here: https://ko-fi.com/A781PZJ


End file.
